What is 'Self'?
Image credit: geralt on Pixabay
Martha Beck writes of the two selves in 'Finding Your Own North Star':
Essential self is "the personality you got from your genes: your characteristic desires, preferences, emotional reactions, and involuntary physiological responses, bound together by an overall sense of identity."
Social self is "the part of you that developed in response to pressure from the people around you, including everyone from your family to your first love to the pope."
The main difference between these two selves is that the essential self is consistent regardless of culture, but your social self is evolving and shaped by the cultural norms and expectations you grew up with and are surrounded by on a daily basis.
The Challenge
"Our two selves do battle against each other, in ways small and large every single day." Martha Beck, "Finding Your Own North Star"
You are familiar with this battle, but may not understand the root cause, if you've ever:
Wanted to give an opinion, but didn't speak up
Ate something you didn't enjoy at a dinner party
Maintained relationships that 'didn’t feel right'
Stayed in a career or job that you didn't enjoy, but was (or still is) expected/logical
Did anything because you "should"
The larger the gap between your essential and social self, the more you suffer. Suffering can be discomfort, sadness, anxiety, physical illness, disconnection in relationships, depression, feeling stuck or unable to make decisions.
Benefits of connecting to Essential Self and Social Self
Understanding when you act from your Essential Self versus your Social Self reduces your own suffering. Awareness creates the ability to make conscious, aligned choices, and reduces the internal friction between the two selves.
The result
Increase enjoyment and satisfaction in life
Choices that align your work, actions, and decisions to your Essential Self
Physical, mental and spiritual health and sense of wellbeing
Resilience and trust in your ability to manage whatever life presents to you
Life won't necessarily be easier, particularly if choice go against culture and expectations, but the feeling of aligned action and the outcome will outweigh the difficulty.
Your Body Compass is one tool that can help you reconnect with your Essential Self, and by pausing quietly every day (and even throughout the day) you can increase your awareness of when you are making choices from your Essential Self or Social Self.
As a coach, I support my clients as they navigate the changes that occur as they become aware of the gap between their Selves.
